shallow-minded, uncivilized, pathetic losers! i hate them for being them and they just suck!

sometimes, the most imperfect person can make the most perfect realization of an idea that is deemed impossible.

God show me the way coz the devil is trying to shut me down, the only thing that i am praying is that my feet wont fail me now!

do these words really apply to every adult individual? from the way i see things, i dont think it does.

i have observed several kids lately and ive seen something that is something worth learning from. three kids, who are sisters by the way, have lost their grandmother just a couple of weeks ago. and from what i have observed, the eldest has changed since her grandmother died. i dont exactly what triggered her to change--is it the death of her grandmother? or is it just because she is now entering the puberty stage?

frankly, i was shocked by the sudden change. since then, she has been taking care of her two other sisters and her little brother who didnt even get the chance to take care of his grandmother. (may she rest in peace). her two sister have been so discreet about the loss of their grandmother. after the burial, those kids lived their lives as if nothing happened. every day, they still play and laugh out loud while their older sister is always serious about stuff. taking care of household chores, everything that an adult is doing. but is it appropriate?

its not all the time that a kid recovers from a certain agenda in his/her life. most of the time, kids get traumatized (correct my spelling if im wrong) and they tend to change their behavior, even their personality. but is it really appropriate? i dont think so...kids are kids. let them be. if you are a parent who is concerned enough about your kid who is becoming a monster, try and do something to make it stop. a kid who is so serious in life at an early age grows up into the type of person that is most likely to get tantrums all the time, ends up being in a broken family when she gets settled later, a loner, a pessimist...in short, a REBEL.

i myself, in one way or another, is simillar to what i have described above. after being inflicted upon by so much pain in the past 21 years of my life, i have grown into something far more than my parents have expected me to become. even i cant believe that i have become like this. its not how i intended it to be but there is nothing i can do. i am stuck on becoming like this and i have to live it that way.

but there is this positive thing that keeps on buzzing at the back of my head...THINK POSITIVE. no matter how tough it gets, just be positive in life. learn to turn those negative vibes into something positive. not everything is in progression to negativity. in every agenda that happens in your life, there are always two sides of the story. its a balance between the good and the bad and it is your task whether you let the positive side or the negative side reign over you. DONT LET IT HAPPEN.

as what the ghost rider would say...I WILL TAKE THIS CURSE AND USE IT AGAINST YOU. and as what CARTER SLADE said, THERE ARE ONLY A FEW PEOPLE WHO SELL THEIR SOULS TO THE DEVIL AND HAVE THE GUTS TO CHANGE THE WORLD.

yeah, it goes something like that...but dont matter. what i am trying to point out is that, its not entirely bad to connect with your inner child-like behavior. most of the time people mistake you child-like behavior from losing your sanity and its not good. sometimes, you have to connect with your inner child for you to perform better. besides, being too serious wont get you nowhere. you have to charm people by bringing out your true self...trust me, its a fool-proof remedy to everthing.

i have never, in my entire life felt so damn furious about people talking behind my back...or maybe not really behind my back but i hate it when people talk about me. what am i? some kanye west guy who humiliated a taylor swift in front of millions of people during an awards night? heck no.

i am just me...and the thing that bothers me most is that, will you ever leave me alone and let me live my life? i am so tired of being your pet, your toy, everything that you wanted to be but you cant be! ungh! i just want to scream at the top of my lungs but i just cant!

i am bound to do whatever you want me to do because i deserve it but when will it all end? i am not surprised why i am still alive right now. you want me to suffer and that is all you want me to be...a suffering idiot who can never be himself and will always be a push-over to everyone around me.

ungh! it sickens me and i just want to be free!

why do you blame me for a lot of things that i did not do? why? why? and why do you keep on insisting that i did certain stuffs which are not true? why do you know better than i am when in fact, im living my life...its not you who is living out the dreams of an ambitious, self-proclaimed celebrity who is always locked up in a tower where you know no one can see nor hear! ungh! i hate it! i hate it! i hate it!

never in my entire life have i felt so rejected by the people who raised me since i was a kid, underwent puberty for all i care and now...being an adult. i know i have committed mistakes and i have to say that i am ever so humiliated by what i have done.

i would honestly have to admit that i am a sinner...a criminal, a lunatic. i have never felt so much pain in my entire life that i came to a point wherein i thought of committing suicide. but thinking things over, its not the solution to all of this. i know i must have to face these problems head on and with my head up high (even though i am as humiliated as i ever felt in my entire life) because i know by the end of the day or if not, maybe in the next couple of days or who knows when, everything will turn out just the way that its supposed to be.

in connection, i would like to take this opportunity to thank GOD for several reasons.

1. i would like to thank him for giving me a brother who does'nt give a s***! i dont have to explain things to him and that i dont have to repeat everything that i have said (if i ever did say something) because frankly speaking, its tiresome to repeat everything and sickens me;

2. i would like thank him for giving me a wonderful father. he is ever so considerate of my actions. he is kind, noble and most of all understanding. though he ignores the things that i have done and still talks to me normally like nothing happened, i am so humiliated by what i have done and what he is doing to me now. its like this...i cant look at him straight, i cant talk to him as loud like i usually do, and i cant afford being near him. i do come near him for the reason that i have to take care of him and even so, i feel so terrible about myself that i just want to scream but i cant. well, GOD, thank you for that;

3. even though my mom has an M-16 rifle for a mouth, still, i thank you for giving me her. she wakes me to my senses (most of the time to the deafening point and the most stressful thing that i can ever manage) and she is disgusted by me every time she sees me. i cant blame her for that. i have done things way beyond what they have expected (nor i have expected) and its just what i deserve. a total pain in the ass sermons every single day until they get tired of doing it;

4. thank you for giving me a sister who is just like my father. considerate, kind and understanding. among my siblings, she is the only one that i get along with. even though we dont seem to connect most of the time, still, i think she appreciates me for whoever and whatever i am. that is the most nicest thing that i have ever known or felt for that matter. i cant tell you how much i hate her at times but trust me, the hate that i feel towards her wouldnt even last an hour (and that is the longest time to date). i dont know. there's just this connection between us that i cant seem to explain but i can feel that is present;

5. thank you for giving me a brother who has grown tired of beating me up like s***! i have done so many things that he just grew tired of beating me up but instead, spreads all the things that i do to his friends and on the latter part, spreads it to the entire community and i become the center of the gossip by people. great isnt it? but i dont care...as much as he has changed, i am happy that he did;

6. thank you for giving me a brother who despises me as his brother. he hates me bone per bone and i cant be more than happy that he does hate me. further, i dont even care about him. i dont even want to continue writing stuff about him because it would be utterly irrelevant to my life, the way that i am irrelevant to his. i dont want to curse him or whatever, its just that...I DONT CARE!

well, i have been editing this post for several times already and i dont know if YOU (yes, YOU! the one reading this) get the whole point of this post. if i may, i might put a "P.S." at the end of the post saying...I AM BEING SARCASTIC.

its the first time that i played the game today and man was it whacked! hahaha. xD

i was the craziest player there is...i am the most loud (i think) and man, i was as sick as esther. waah! its not that im addicted to the game (which what will likely to happen in the future) but i want to explore the game first before i get too addicted to it.

that is why i am sitting infront of a pc now (again) because...i just want to.

Dear God, thank you for making online games and thank you for letting me meet people who can teach me how to play them. hehe.

i finally cracked the html code of my layout...i think im gonna stick with this layout for quite some time...i kinda love it and it rocks! viva la facebook! viva la blogger! hahahaha. xD

hmpf...what do i want to talk about?

oh yeah, yesterday, i watched the movie ORPHAN...alone! the movie was cool...nice plot and everything...wish it didnt have to turn out that way...that kid is sick...i am sick but damn i am not as sick as her...well, there is an exception though because she is mentally sick so there. hahaha. xD

dont want to stress that much about the movie coz right now, im still intrenalizing everything about it...kumbaga, im still preparing what to say about the movie like a critic. i am a movie critic, yeah! i would love it if people call me that. hahaha. xD so there...what else? wala? ok...bye!

PS.

this post is pure non-sense! as in!

as i have been so addicted to facebook nowadays, i have decided to use the facebook template i found in the btemplates website.

cool eh? hehe. anyways, there are still a lot of things that i need to tweek in that template. but if i get tired of tweeking it, damn...it stays just as i downloaded it. who cares anyway...? as long as i have changed my template, im cool with it.

viva la facebook! viva la blogger! hehe.

no matter how good you are...no matter how hard you try to please them...still...nobody gives a s***!

yesterday, people from my college were oh so ecstatic about our college day...leaving behind the significance of the date.

its been a year now since the dreaded accident which famously known as the date itself. the 9/11 attack at the two most majestic, and the tallest building ever to stand on the face of the earth, WTC (world trade center also known as the twin towers).

what im trying to stress out? well, nothing really...i just want to say that lets all pray for the poor souls who were claimed by death in such a short notice. may their souls rest in peace.

i think its not bad to laugh some times...takes away all your stress and leaves you this feeling of...GAY! :)

yeah...blame it on him and not on me. its not all the time that something goes missing, i know where it is. no, it does not got that way. the song doesnt play backwards, it play forward. if you dont know what i mean then il tell you what i what i want to say.

yeah, i have done those kind of stuff...like stealing and everything, but i already quit...a long time ago! if you haven't noticed, i have been watching my every move, every words that i utter...everything! i changed everything that i am to the person that you want me to be...and guess what? i succeeded!

now, the question is...why do you still blame me for everything? are the things that i do or did not enough for you to believe me that i did change? what do you really want me to do? honestly, i am really confused...my head is in total mess and i just cant think straight anymore...and i am blaming it all on YOU!

LEAVE ME ALONE! for good...dang it!

is where you can find the e-flens! ungh...i just dont know what to do as of the moment.

in my head, there is a battle going on whether i should be lax about things, enjoying life as it goes...or always think of the worst case scenario.

i dont really know...i need help. its what ive been asking for the last couple of weeks but it seems that i cant find someone who could help me.

dont get me wrong, my friends...they can help me, i know. but sometimes, friends just give you the total opposite of the advices or the help that you need from them. they somewhat contradict to whatever you have in mind and that's what makes it cool.

friends...they make you happy and they make you feel like shit too and that's what separates real friends from those who are fakes and i love it so much.

anyways, going back...it seems that tomorrow is eternal. how long must i wait for the aid that i have been seeking? how long must i torment myself and deprive "ME" from being happy? how long? how long? //_-)

you would never know how important it is until you lose it. tragic but true.

HAZARDOUS...they are the type of friends who are only for show. you are their friend if they need something from you but if they dont, you are a total stranger to them and that sucks. good luck to those who belong in this category for all i can say to you is...I DONT GIVE A DAMN.

NON-BIODEGRADABLE...those friends whom i can trust and whom i can count on, even though in ways that i dont expect them to be. they are the real friends, friends who are for keeps. you would know that they belong in this category because there is this certain bond, a feeling of security and a feeling that somewhat tells you that, whatever happens, happens...they are there whenever you need them and they can be trusted even wiht issues with the size of your underwear. nasty as it sounds, but its the truest thing that i can ever say about these people and i am ever so glad to tell them back that i would be there for them as they would be there for me. give and take is the trend of the season...and always will be...even at the highest tide.

BIODEGRADABLE...friends who are close but not the type of people that you can always count on...they maybe not the worst, nor the best, but still, these people do what they can to cheer you up and that is something that i can keep for as long as i want and for as long as they want...in life, there are certain people who act "AS THE ENTERTAINER WHEN THE ENTERTAINER NEEDS ONE..." if you have a hard time understanding that quote that i just made up, then its up for you to understand.

at any random moment, there are these total strangers that you meet. sometimes, rather, needed if necessary, you should have this gut feeling whether a person is a person not only for show, not because you can jive to their attitudes, not because they can treat you for lunch and give you the things that somehow makes you jubilant but, you should know how to test one's attitude whether he/she is a jedi or a sith. nasty isnt it? but there are people who hide behind mask and turn out to be the worst serial killer that walks on the face of the planet...believe it!

all this time, ive been feeling so good not knowing that in the next 48hrs id be in total s***!

why didnt i just resist? why didnt i just stayed away and let go of the past that has ruined my future? why, with all my efforts of trying to change, still, this kind of habit of mine is still with me? it has been a while since i havent done it but here i am now, regreting that i ever laid my eyes on that damn thing and did the thing again...ungh! it makes me want to commit of suicide...but i dont think its the right thing to do.

now, im feeling so damn stressed out...im panicking, i dont know what to do, i am being such a freakin' paranoid...every move i make, every move they make, it makes me think of something else...every word spoken, every thought that is thought, it makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs out of frustration...ungh! waah! i just want to disappear from the face of the earth but i cant.

i need help...i mean a lot of help...as a matter of fact, i need a miracle and i dont know who would make that miracle for me. please...help! im really lost right now! i mean...really! serious! for real! huhuhuhu...//_-)

im not even sure if the spelling is right, nor am i using the correct term, but there are questions that bothers me right now...is it wrong in being paranoid? or is it just a feeling of being secured in the negative way? will it hurt me? will it do me good? will i get something out of it?

and i love it so much...it means a lot of things to me though im only going to mention a few...

for one thing, it means there are no classes! hooray! it also mean that i dont have to catch my breath by going up the third floor of that damned CAS building. hahahaha. xD

another is, i have an excuse to ditch arabic class...honestly, i was ecstatic to study the language...not until the midterms came and passed by...man, it was so stressful memorizing things that you cant even remember what they mean and man...my brain is like floating in cloud 9. the things that i expected to learn from the subject are not being taught to us...bummer, you might say, but i cant do anything about it...my knowledge to language and to the culture is way too limited. dang. how is wish the lessons were way to comprehensive and that we learn more than the basic kindergarten lessons. hmpf.

and to name the last thing that i like doing when it rains...i get to drink a lot of coffee and smoking until my lungs hurt...hahaha. that's what i love doing best when it rains. dunno know why but it has been a part of my system since i started lighting up sticks in high school. hahaha. those were the days...and i badly miss those days.

ppbbtt...rain, rain, dont go away...david jhules dont want to go out and play. hahahaha. xD shine, rest ka muna ha. :)

but i still need to help to make the links button functionable...help? anyone?