sin--sinner!

never in my entire life have i felt so rejected by the people who raised me since i was a kid, underwent puberty for all i care and now...being an adult. i know i have committed mistakes and i have to say that i am ever so humiliated by what i have done.

i would honestly have to admit that i am a sinner...a criminal, a lunatic. i have never felt so much pain in my entire life that i came to a point wherein i thought of committing suicide. but thinking things over, its not the solution to all of this. i know i must have to face these problems head on and with my head up high (even though i am as humiliated as i ever felt in my entire life) because i know by the end of the day or if not, maybe in the next couple of days or who knows when, everything will turn out just the way that its supposed to be.

in connection, i would like to take this opportunity to thank GOD for several reasons.

1. i would like to thank him for giving me a brother who does'nt give a s***! i dont have to explain things to him and that i dont have to repeat everything that i have said (if i ever did say something) because frankly speaking, its tiresome to repeat everything and sickens me;

2. i would like thank him for giving me a wonderful father. he is ever so considerate of my actions. he is kind, noble and most of all understanding. though he ignores the things that i have done and still talks to me normally like nothing happened, i am so humiliated by what i have done and what he is doing to me now. its like this...i cant look at him straight, i cant talk to him as loud like i usually do, and i cant afford being near him. i do come near him for the reason that i have to take care of him and even so, i feel so terrible about myself that i just want to scream but i cant. well, GOD, thank you for that;

3. even though my mom has an M-16 rifle for a mouth, still, i thank you for giving me her. she wakes me to my senses (most of the time to the deafening point and the most stressful thing that i can ever manage) and she is disgusted by me every time she sees me. i cant blame her for that. i have done things way beyond what they have expected (nor i have expected) and its just what i deserve. a total pain in the ass sermons every single day until they get tired of doing it;

4. thank you for giving me a sister who is just like my father. considerate, kind and understanding. among my siblings, she is the only one that i get along with. even though we dont seem to connect most of the time, still, i think she appreciates me for whoever and whatever i am. that is the most nicest thing that i have ever known or felt for that matter. i cant tell you how much i hate her at times but trust me, the hate that i feel towards her wouldnt even last an hour (and that is the longest time to date). i dont know. there's just this connection between us that i cant seem to explain but i can feel that is present;

5. thank you for giving me a brother who has grown tired of beating me up like s***! i have done so many things that he just grew tired of beating me up but instead, spreads all the things that i do to his friends and on the latter part, spreads it to the entire community and i become the center of the gossip by people. great isnt it? but i dont care...as much as he has changed, i am happy that he did;

6. thank you for giving me a brother who despises me as his brother. he hates me bone per bone and i cant be more than happy that he does hate me. further, i dont even care about him. i dont even want to continue writing stuff about him because it would be utterly irrelevant to my life, the way that i am irrelevant to his. i dont want to curse him or whatever, its just that...I DONT CARE!

well, i have been editing this post for several times already and i dont know if YOU (yes, YOU! the one reading this) get the whole point of this post. if i may, i might put a "P.S." at the end of the post saying...I AM BEING SARCASTIC.