i changed my layout. got bored of the old one. it still needs more tweeking and i dont know who to help me out. hope i can find one as soon as i can...or maybe not.

its a sunday...its kinda boring...i think il sleep later...or in a couple of minutes after lunch maybe...i just dont know. haha. good luck to me and my new layout. if you want to help, it will be gladly appreciated. hmpf. peace out. //_-)

is it me or am i just losing myself? i need you so much right now...please! give me a sign.

you've been gone for quite some time now. i never even knew that you left...all that ive observed is that, you are suddenly M.I.A.

how i wish i wont mumble like this. i mean, pretending that i am talking to you. all i wanted to do is be by your side, feeling your every breath, feeling your heart beating in your chest...taking the smell of your skin into my system, feeling the warmth of your body, feeling your skin rubbing against mine and then we'd drift into nothingness.

how i wish all of these things are possible but every time i think about these, my mind tells me that it is all just a part of a big illusion...a fantasy...something that wont ever happen and it just brings me down, makes my system crumble and i am left just thinking about it and without noticing it, my cold tears would be running down my warm cheeks.

i mean really old enough, i want my life back from the ones who stole it from me. i cant believe they stole "me" from ME!

i was the hungriest hyena, i was the most desperate person. the poorest of poor, the weakest of weak.

but beyond the feeling of being LOST, i was found by people who picked me up and dragged me to a place that i can call HOME.

i thank GOD for that. in fact, im thanking him for several reasons, though i dont thank him that much, il take this opportunity to thank him.

1. thank you for the ANTONIO sisters. they fed me and provided me shelter when i had no choice but to sulk all day. they are the best sisters ever. how i wish they were my sisters, then there wouldnt be any problems at all.

2. thank you for giving me money today. yesterday, though it was not the baddest of all the bad days in my life (past or upcoming bad days, i hope) i was 0% balance and i dont now where to go, literally, LOST.

3. thank you for bringing out shine today. i really need her. her radiance reminds me of hope and that her warmth, makes me think that, despite the fact that there are people who hate me so much, someone, somewhere out there loves me for being me and that they can never live their life without me. (narci...ayaw na'g palag!)

4. thank you for giving me an ever so loving father. he's ever so understanding, caring and every "ing" word that i can ever muster and that i regret ever turning my back on him when he needed me when in fact, when i needed him, he never even turned his head to refuse on me and leave me hanging in mid-air. thank you for being one, dad. i love you so much.

5. thank you for giving me a mom that has an AK47 for a mouth. she wakes me up early in the morning and brings my senses to full alert which i need most of the time because for her, she cant afford to waste a single minute regreting on the things that made her life like a living hell. thank God my mom's an android. hahaha. xD

6. thank you for giving me a sister that is so LOST too. one minute she hates me, the next she likes me. i am so confused of what really makes her tick, but i dont care. i like her just the same.

7. thank you for giving me obnoxious brothers who are so overprotective, they make up stuffs about me causing me to be grounded and be beaten the hell out of myself. that sucks, i know...but it dont matter. my time will come.

and i think that is about it...for now. i cant be more than thankful enough. even if i dont mean thanking some of the things that i mentioned above, but still. life wont be as exciting if there arent enough people who keep on stressing you out, pushing you to the limits and bringing out the best in you.

they may make you live your life like hell, at least, they know who you are and that makes me feel so special, in one way or another. thank you for all it GOD. why are you so good at this? hehehe. :)

me and my heart we got issues...but this post is not about the song "issues" by the saturdays. its my real-life issues.

for one thing, im kinda tired. my family thinks that im the "most incurable disease" ever to exist on the face of the earth.

next is, they think im the "most unbearable person" there is to be dealt with.

next, they think that i am the "most useless person in the whole wide universe".

and then, they think that because i cuss and at times scream at the top of my lungs that i am a self-proclaimed addict. addict of what??

you know, one question that keeps bothering me ever since ive got these issues in my life is...why does my family know what i do and what i dont do and i dont even know about it?

why do they keep on pressing that all i do when i come to Dumaguete is stroll around downtown? take stones and drink my ass out when in fact, i go to school every now and then with a couple of hours or an hour interval? why cant they understand that when i am so stressed out, my blood pressure shoots up and my glucose levels are of the scales and how does it affect me? big time.

my brain wont work, my body shuts down, i get so weak, i get so fragile that every move that i make makes me want to think if suicide...like hanging myself or cutting my wrist, yeah. i think of those stuff. but why cant they just understand that? what does it take to make them believe that everything that i say is true and that i am so confused as of the moment of what to do so that, from now on, they will be able to accept me and things that i do and just let me live my life my way?

i need explanations, i need answers...but nobody seems to bother ask me or help me out. in short, im lost!

its been roughly then fourth day that i have spent my sleepless nights at the hospital. stressful, i might say but there is nothing that i can do. pops wakes me up at 12:47AM, 2:00AM, 3:40AM, 4:55AM and 5:30AM...who could survive a day having only the time in between those i specified above? i mean, yeah, i sometime wake up at the wee hours of the night but that doesnt mean that i am immune to waking up as often as i can and sleep less often. that is way too harsh. its not yet part of my system...im still trying to adopt that thing and im not used to it yet...hmpf...//_-)

and by the time i finally decide to get up and bar the door, (hahahaha...lit115) i get out of the hospital as soon as my father confirms that he does not want anything to be done, i leave and go to my second home, BD...i walk from the hospital to BD and grab myself a cup of steaming hot coffee (yum!) to wake me up. i can say it is my morning ritual, even at home. hmpf. im not really sure where this post is heading. i think its senseless but i dont care. im so cranked up right now. my brain wont work as it would work on normal days, and since pops got into the hospital, i dont consider my day normal. ive been feeling like dung and everything is so messed up i just dont know what to do.

as how would carla start her blog, it would have to be something like this...

current mood: F***ed up!

current feeling: doozy...

outfit: a pair of hand-me-down pants that has been worn twice this week, an old shirt, a pair of shoes with a pair of holes on each shoe...

my hands are so shaky right now and my fingers cant key in the right letters for the words that i want to type in...damn. i know, im sick...aw? drama. hahahaha. xD promise, my hands are so shaky. its been shaky since monday morning and i dont know how to make it stop shaking. everytime i write, i put down a cup of coffee, i light up a cigarette, my hands just get so shaky. ungh. frustrating, yeah...it is. frankly, i dont know what else to say. im hoping that the doctors would discharge pops now and that we will continue his medication at home. its so tiring in the hopsital and i just dont seem to feel at peace with myself and with the people around me. hmpf. please help me pray...//_-)

me and my dumb self. i never expected this would turn out to be such a disaster. dang it. why, oh why?

just got out of the hospital. i was stuck there since sunday evening. its just so unfortunate that i have to undergo stuff like this now. i mean, its so unexpected.

while i was having the time of my life at the beach with friends last sunday celebrating someone's birthday, my father was puking his ass out. we didnt know then what the cause of his constant puking was that is why we decided to admit him to the hospital at 10pm with me ("wala pay pamanlaw ug clear water from all the beach events and stuff").

yesterday he had to have an XRAY exam and ultra sound to check his system and the doctors found out that he has stones in his system...i dont know how they are going to get rid of it and when they are going to get rid of it but one thing i am certain of is that, he is recovering fast and that is a good sign.

now i know how it feels to watch over somebody while he/she is in the hospital. man, it is so tiring but there is nothing that you could do because its your job. whether you like it or not, you have to do it because there is nobody around that can do it for you or help you out. gosh. im so F***ed up right now...i feel like im drunk...im woozy, doozy and everything that is not a smoothie. ungh. i wanna rest but i cant. im just so...TIRED.

kasalanan ko ba na hindi ko magaya ang taong gusto ng iba na gayahin ko?

kasalanan ko ba na hindi ako perpekto at pakaylan man ay hindi magkakatotoo ang mga pangarap nila sa akin?

kasalanan ko ba na iba ang gusto ko at hindi yung gusto nila? kasalanan ko ba na ganito ako?

kasalanan ba ako sa mundo na hanggang kailan ay hindi nila mapapatawad?

kasalanan ba ako? //_-)

finally, after a long wait, i got hold of the notebook (and ever so fortunate to find it) where i wrote my own definition of terms. though i wasnt able to fulfill my promise to have the rest of my terms on the next post, but hey...im posting it now. be prepared to be sarcastic enough.

Power: owned by politicians.

Nature: soon to be a page in the history books.

Evidence: can you get you busted.

2 types of man; Good: dumbass jerks...Bad: lovely, charming, nice...love 'em! :)

Life: sucks.

information: nauseating.

Passion: hot! (if you know what i mean...xD)

Water: can put out fire

Invention: product(s) of boredom.

to refresh everyone's mind...this was during on one of my philosophy classes who is facilitated by Mrs. Cabanban. dont know what her name is because of old age, she might have forgotten to introduce us to her first name. dang. hmpf. //_-)

its the fourth day of the midterm week and man, i am so worked up. not worked up as in staying up late studying, forcing my head to crack with all the information that are useless in way or another...its just that, i feel so dang "slobbish" when its midterm week. i feel so...SLOBBISH! hahahahaha. xD dont care if that word doesnt exist...coz now it does. hahahahaha. xD

since i have no exam for the rest of the day, im here again in the public hub, trying to alleviate the bordom that life gives me...patron tequilla by the paradiso girls feat. Lil john is not a new song to me...its just that, a friend of mine told me that somewhere in the video, chelsea did this "soulja boy" like step which i find very funny...3:38 of the video. just check it out if you want.

i think everybody knows that chelsea came out on the show PUSSYCAT DOLLS PRESENTS: the next doll (or something like, im not accurate about the title of the show...) and she is known to have a great voice...but never a good dancer. that is why most of the time she was on the bottom positions in a lot of the episodes because she failed to do the dance routine...but she did pretty well on the vocalization part which is good.

well, im not against her, nor have anything rude or mean or whatever to say about her. im just glad that she has now a career. way to go chelsea. :)

waah! and i really thought i would flunk in an exam that doesnt exist. hahaha. dont get it? me either.

there are a lot of thing that i want to talk about in this post. its been a while that i made a single reaction about the things that have been happening lately, personal and public events. for one thing, in the middle of that "lost" period, i lost my "love" for blogging. i dont know why. honestly, it was triggered by several factors.

ever since the pc got hit by the lightning bolt of Mr.potter, my brother, who claims to have paid all the bills for the repairing and stuff which actually was paid by my father, is claiming and owning the computer and hogs it for 12 hours "minimum" and wont share with us so i was forced to stay away from the computer as much as possible to avoid arguments and everything else that comes with it.

next, i am so preoccupied by so many things that my online life was disregarded except for farmtown and farmville (which i think everyone is familiar with, some addicted to it like me) and going to the public hub and waste my money for the time that i will alot for updating my online life is wasted instead of being able to eat lunch and make me energized by mid-day. in connection, i have time management issues. i know its one of my weakness and i am not ashamed to tell all of you that. its what most people have problems with, being able to manage the free time that they have. i would love to quote..."so many things to do yet so little time..." yip, that is what i always say whenever i miss out on something. it just bums me out.

with regards to my time management issues, i am forced to focus on my studies coz i cant keep up with all the "going to school" and "study hard" concept of living because the people that inspire me to go to school have already left me behind and marched on the red carpet last march. yeah, they left me behind. but i dont blame them for what i am feeling right now. they have studied hard and earned the fruits of their labor and that is their diplomas. ever so fortunate enough, all of them landed a job several weeks after graduation except for hany who have to wait a month before she can get her job and instead spent the whole summer nursing her nephew and sulk whole day at home doing nothing but watch tv.

the others, well...cathy was the first one to land a job at a call center somewhere in davao. it was her last resort and she had no choice. she has to help her mom raise her family because of financial constraints and i cant blame her for being in such a situation. its what God has given so she has to live up to it. well, she is contented with her life now, with a long distance boyfriend whom i dont seem to trust a lot, but at least they are getting along well, i am glad that she now has a life of her own.

carla on the other hand spent her summer finishing some unfinished business in school. its was still part of her term as the "associate editor" of the school publication so she still had her obligations and she attended to them before she went job hunting. by june, she had her first job but didnt like it. how wierd is that?? now, she is looking for another job just to ditch her first job. sigh. what a complicated person. but i am happy about it since among the 4, she is the only one who stayed in Dumaguete aside from dawn who is a natural born Dumagueteño.

i have to mention Dawn too...to rid of favoritism or whatever you want to call it. well, the last time i heard of her was she works in a local department store here in the city. i forgot what she calls her job but she is assigned in the paging whatsoever for lost people or items and according to her, the last time that we exchanged SMS, she is in charge as to what song is to be played while the "so-called" shoppers rome around the store. yeah. from the sound of it, she is loving her job. good for her.

hannah (hany) will start her call center job this coming monday. ooh. i think she is a bit excited about it aside from the excellent pay that she is going to have after the probation period that the company alloted her. way to go. among the 4, she is the only one who i have constant communication with so, instead of missing her badly, i wished she never had a phone so that i will miss her and she wont be able to send me annoying (sometimes) SMS. i get pissed by redundant SMSs. hate the deleting part so much. ungh.

what is there left to say? hmpf. update about "my boys"? nah.il reserve that for later. for now, that is all i am willing to share to everybody. my life is not so dull right now. its just that, with all the wacky things that we do, i just cant help but let it slip by and look forward to what tomorrow might bring. i mean, its not bad keeping positive attitude about life. its never too late to have a change of heart, is it? :)

PS.

please mind the typo's in this post. its the first time that i made such a long post without looking at the keyboard. wooh. what ah!? hehehe. :)