How old r u?

im 2ne1! *eh-eh! eh-eh-eh! eh-eh!* xD

Ask me anything

pwede magtanong?

you just did. (LOL) :)

Ask me anything

Nanu langas au ka? haha :D peace dave!

kay ana man ang black eyed peas nga..."you got the boom, boom, pow!" haha. xD

Ask me anything

Why "unfortunate" ? :) Is it that horrible?

i would have to say YES.

Ask me anything

ah. awesome... but you're not in Neg. Or. right this minute, are you?

unfortunately, i am! haha.xD

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Are you InlOVE??? or In to LOVE only? lol

NO...to both.

Ask me anything

Bakit di ka na ngpplurk? loka ka. haha

i dont really know why...i got invited? haha.xD

Ask me anything

Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?

**it makes him feel more manly...???** bwahahahahaha.xD honestly, i have no idea.

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Where in Neg. Or. ? :)

Amlan! around 45mins travel due north from dgte city.

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So pag di ka tananong.. di ka rn mgtatanong??? (doh)

**next question please!** hahaha. xD confused much!

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ilang bese ka na nainlove? sino ang pinaka kinabaliwan mo?

twice...well actually, i went crazy over both of them but sad to say they have to be somewhere else far away from me so...as of press time, im down the drain. 0%!

Ask me anything

Nainlab kna sa kanya??? ke <<DD>> lol

NO. to be honest, frank, specific, brief and concise!

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Unsay tirada nato diha??

um...ga browse ug old pix!

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Nainlab kna sa kanya??? ke <<DD>> lol

no. to honest, frank, specific, brief and concise!

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Are u still inlove with milco (sakto ba ang name... kalimot nako... haha)?

unfortunately...**chikka minute kaau ouy**...wala na! i cant even remember his face. dang! (kuya j, ambot lamang nimo! intriga kaau ka!) **do you still have a copy of that issue sa TN where na publish akong story about him?** (hala! gakatol ko! pwede LOL? xD)

Ask me anything

please...follow me on tumblr like you follow me here on blogger. promise! il follow you back! hehe. :) another thing...please, DARE TO ASK ME! il answer all your questions the best way i can...even if it takes being humiliated my entire life, kevz! let's just all have fun. ayt? :) just click on those links and let's all have a jolly ole christmas...ok? speaking of! MERRY CHRISTMAS (in advanced, that is...) :) gift ko? diin na? :)

and its going to officially start in a few hours...ooh! how exciting!

ever since i got into the 9 mornings spirit (misa de gallo), i always tell it to myself that i would complete it. i forgot when exactly i started completing the masses (mornings) but as far as i can remember, it was only last year that i failed not only to complete, but attended even 1 mass!

--flashback: last year, around this time, i underwent my second surgery for my FISTULA IN ANU case. come to think of it, 2009 was one hell of a year. for the remaining days of it, i don't see something bad to come up and blow in front of my face. so far, after all the twists and turns, MY 2009 will end up just like how all the years of my life will end. peaceful, full of memories, full of everything in between (of which this time, mastercard has nothing to do with it).

*sigh!* this year was such a drag that i cant even imagine now how i dealt all of those stuff and how i was able to conquer them all without any help from anyone.

what i am hoping for the year to come? more blessings of course...more luck, i suppose...and less STUPIDITY. that would work for me. all those stuff that i crave for would have to wait. now, after all of the things that ive been through, ive realized, everything should be earned. if you want it, sweat it out! you have to work hard for something that you really want. life was never on the easy way out...it was always on the hardest way out...and everybody knows that...they just wont believe that they are in that situation because people are GREEDY, SEFLISH, SELF-CENTERED and A PAIN IN EACH and EVERYONE'S ASSES!

*sigh!* i hope everything will turn out right next year. if it wont, then il make it turn out right. peace!

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/boytikwa23

and if anyone wants to take him away from me, ok lang. hahahahahahahaha.xD

MELAI, you rock my world. xD

and in the next couple of hours...it goes down to 13! weeh! its almost christmas and i fell so christamsy all over me! hehe. for one thing, i am excited about the manito/manita '09. i bet it will be fun, fun, fun!! hehe.

hmmm...what else am i excited about? what else am i gonna talk about in this post? well, when someone says the word "christmas" the thing that would immediately pop into my brain would be "resolutions" which is pathetic because that is for the new year! LOL! i am so embarassed right now. haha.

well, what can you expect on christmas? gifts? well...gifts for me are the trend of the 80's and 90's. i never got a single gift from any of my ninongs/ninangs for the past 11 years of my life which has become, for me, a so-called thought that, ninongs/ninangs dont really give gifts because of willingness...they just give out gifts if they can remember it.

the only gift(s) that i get on xmas is the one given by my manito/manita...someting that i cant complain about, which i dont want to do anyway, and that is something worth keeping.

yeah, i am so pathetic right now because i cant even remember what i got last year. hahahaha. xD what is happening to me?

what else...hmmmm...i cant really think of anything right now. its just, i feel so xmasy! yehey! hmmmm...

i want to ask BABY JESUS something, since its his birthday. funny, because instead of giving him something, we end up asking him for gifts. well, im not really asking him for a gift. i wont consider it a gift anyway.

well, here it goes. BABY JESUS, when ko nimo tagaan ug uyab? (LOL) ang mu react, insecure! hahahahahaha. xD

oh my! i cant believe i can humiliate myself like this. this is oh so, funny! hahahahahaa. xd

anyway, i will be waiting for an answer...and if anyone...someone...who will come along the way, watch! its morphin time! :)

MERRY CHRISTMAS IN ADVANCE...TO ALL OF YOU! (YES, INCLUDING YOU!) :)

arianne ross, this one is for you.

we all know that barbie is one hot chic! and barbie is so famous. but why do i hate her so much? well, for one thing, i think barbie should be banned. (LOL!) no offense. really, barbie is giving children the wrong thoughts and everything that comes along with it. i mean, little kids who are rich enough to afford to buy her barbie a castle would nevertheless, have second thoughts of mocking their parents to buy her barbie a castle or she will slit her throat.

barbie is giving so many false thoughts to kids these days. marga, no offense. she teaches kids to be glamorous and live life like its a runway show. that is so pathetic. i mean, c'mon! what about those kids who cant afford to but a real barbie and instead buy those paper barbie dolls? (i am so hating barbie right now that my thoughts just cant seem to come up together)

another thing is that, she teaches girls to be materialistic. i know her movies now dont really show that kind of attitude because her movies are adapted from well-known fairy tale stories, only that she brings it to life with her as the face and her story line being connected to the real story of the movie. (e.g. THE NUTCRACKER, SWAN PRINCESS, etc...)

ungh...see? my thoughts just cant come together.

you know what triggered me to hate barbie? well...here's the story.

yesterday, my niece brought her mom's phone to school. earlier, she was warned not to bring the phone with her because its one of the house rules, that she can never use her mom's cellphone nor anybody else's when its a school day. moving on, she insisted that she bring the phone to school because she just wants to brag it to her BFF's and that she would take care of it and bring it back home in one piece.

and would you be very kind as to guess what happened?

well, its quite obvious now...the phone was stolen right under her nose. she left the pouch where the phone was kept in her bag because they had to attend mass somewhere in the school grounds and when she came back to check the phone...*poof!* it was gone. sad to say, they never found out who nicked it off her bag when she and her mom went back to school after lunch. the kid who took it never showed up for the afternoon sessions and that was it.

my niece is so materialistic...she is such a braggart...and i hate her! for one thing, she idolizes barbie so much. when she was little, she always comes up to my dad (her so-called grandfather and i dont know why...) and asks my dad to buy her barbie stuff. from undies to tops, to jeans, to shoes, to bags, to hair accessories and even toiletry products, all are in the color pink with barbie's face on it. ungh! i really hate her...i really hate barbie!

there. i think this is the end of the post. i dont want to elaborate any further about my angst with barbie. the end.

PS.

arianne ross, this one is really for you. hate barbie! hate pink!

marga...no offense. peace out.

for one thing, i missed my blogger blog. i mean, all of the blogs that im following are here. the blog owners of the blogs that i follow are the people who can really bring out a bunch of laughter in me, specially bea. she/it is one hell of an entertainer. this one is a link to her/it's post about the word "FLIRK" of which kami ang magkasama when she/it blundered it. another addition to our LMAO moments. :)

and another thing i would like to express in this post is that, for the past few weeks, i have lost my gusto in blogging. its not that i don't like to blog anymore but i have been very busy finding the real purpose of my life and of which i am slightly disappointed to say that i never found a single clue of what it is. whatever my purpose in life is, there is only one person i know who knows what it is...and i think you know too so i don't have to elaborate on that one further.

to update you, i have been very busy job hunting, of which i don't want to talk about. aside from that, i have been travelling visayas like hell. after my expidition to Cebu City, i went to Bacolod after a few days i arrived from Cebu. kaloka noh? everything happened so fast that now, i cant even remember what i did in those places.

in the virtual world, i have been busy "FLIRKing". haha. i am constantly updating my "FLIRK" page because of one goal and that is to reach "FLIRK" NIRVANA. being able to update my "FLIRK" page more often than i thought i could, i have made a few friends...most of them are tagalog and two are bisaya...they are from Davao...some part of Davao speak bisaya but on the greater part, people speak Tagalog because they feel like it. haha.

aside from that, i am going crazy over korean songs. i know, i know...i said something harsh about them somewhere here in my blog when i got this SMS from someone that they called us monkeys and that they wondered if monkeys can swim. i think that was after the flooding incident in Manila (or was it in makati?). basta, that event. but anyway, im not liking entirely the korean culture or the people. what im admiring is their songs. they create awesome songs that not even the westerners were able to think of making. personally, i think its cool and unique and somewhat one of a kind. Asians are so damn talented, dont you agree?

what else was keeping me so busy the past weeks? oh yeah, how could i forget. our town fiesta. yeah, it was on the 30th. i was so busy, my friends who tried to make contact with me because they wanted to taste MACEDA cooking, i wasnt able to establish contact with them and they end up getting mad at me. haha. im sorry. my apologies. kasalanan ko ba na ginawa nilang akong muchacha? hmpf.

a couple of days ago, some of my friends came over to my place for a sleep over. and guess what time they arrived...12MN. who would attend a sleep over and arrive at 12MN...huh? if you know someone who does that normally, please let me know. anyway, the sleep over was fun. over was done, but the SLEEP part...well, we never actually got to sleep because there were so many things that we need catch up on to each other that one night wouldnt be enough to share what is there to share.

we stayed up all night with several cups of coffee knocked down, packs of cigarettes used up, and tons of laughter. gawd i miss those times. you know how it feels like, right? talking the hell out of each other and just neglect time and just enjoy every moment you have with them. for me, i have reached more than "FLIRK nirvana". instead, ive blasted back into the past and just reminisced till i dropped (by 8am the next day, Monday, Dec.6,2009). *sigh!*

what else do i have to say? i guess there is none. so i will have to end this post because i dont want to have "dead air" while the computer is on the verge of rebooting. ka-inis kasi eh. basta! hello! im super back! :)

temporarily, i will leave blogger muna. i want to update my other blog, of which i forgot that existed, over @wordpress. dont worry. for the mean time lang toh...just for update's sake. :) uso naman yung import at export feature sa mga blogs eh. weeh! kaloka ang technology, sobrang advanced, nakakahilo na minsan. hehe. :) tah-tah!

i stayed up from 4pm yesterday until now? la lang. FYI stuff. :)

at some point in my life, i have found myself face to face with a different me. i dont know how it happened but i was shocked myself to see a different me. this post is all about it. listing down some of the changes that i have seen with myself and how did i ever come across that change.

--i have been tempted but i never gave in. usually, when temptation comes around my corner, i cant help but just give in. there is this strong urge inside me that makes me dive and grab that thing. noon, talgang madali akong e-bribe. kahit ano, try mo e-bribe ako, mega GO ako kaagad. pero ngayon, hindi na ako ganun. baka siguro sa mga experiences ko lately, natuto na akong umiwas sa mga temptasyon na sa tingin ko naman ay isang malaking "standing ovation" sa aking self kasi naman, bigla akong nagbago. kahit sa isang banda ay nagsisi ako na bakit ko iniwasan ang temptasyon na yun, kuntento naman ako sa kinalabasan at happy ako. i stayed away from trouble, malinis pa konsensya ko.

--i talk back, but only if i have something to say. noon, megaphone ang dating ko sa kadadakdak ko sa aking mga kapatid. alam ko at alam nila na mali sila pero they insist na mas mali ako. at some point, may mga arguments kami na talaga namang tama sila pero ang paraan ng pagpapahiwatig nila sa kanilang mga hina-ing ay mali. kung minsan, ako pa ang nagsasabi sa kanila na pwede gumamit ng ibang paraan para matutunan ko ang tama sa mali na nagawa ko pero walang silbu yun sa kanila. kasi, paniniwala nila, ang paraan ni hades ang solusyon sa lahat ng problema sa buhay kaya palaging world war I dito sa bahay.

infairness naman, ngayon, hindi na ganyan ang mga tao dahil sa akin. bigla ba naman akong ginawang role model ng bansa? ngayon, pag nagkagulo sila sa bahay, may i shut up and let me go nalang ako sa isang sulok ng bahay, nakikinig sa mga korean friends ko at hawak-hawak ang yosi at mega smokin' coffee sa tabi. ayoko na kasi ng gulo. yun ang new motto ko. kung hindi ka man makasabay sa akin, sa susunod na byahe ka nalang sumabay kasi baka wala kang pamasahe at yun na yun.

--infairness, natututo na akong tumayo sa sariling ko'ng paa. kahit hindi pa ako bumitaw sa parents ko in terms of financial talks, but at least, natuto na akong mabuhay na walang tulong sa kanila (at inuulit ko, except financial as of the moment. naghahanap pa po ng trabaho ang lolo nyo so be patient. 'yaan nyo, libre ko kayo ng coffee sa sweldo ko kapag nakapagtrabaho na ako. hahahahaa. xD). biro nyo, nakaya ko'ng tahakin ang mundo ng CEBU ng mag-isa? at tatahakin ko rin ulit ang lansangan nila ngayon friday. bonggang-bongga na road trip na naman po ito.

infairness, wala na akong masabi na changes sa aking self. sa ngayon, proud ako na na achieve ko na ang tatlong bagay na ito in this juncture of my life. kahit mahirap man tanggapin na nagawa ko ang mga ito, wala na kayong magawa. hindi naman ako kayo. ha? wag na kayong pumalag. kundi, lalaslasin ko ang lalamunan mo. hehe.

*point, clap, clap, point, clap! hooray to myself! :)

ano at sino-sino ang na mention ko sa previous post ko?

sino ang sister ko? siya si Diana Mae Pamela Macdeda-Saguban. yes, she is married to Ralph Saguban (who happens to have the same name with someone, ehem!) and with RR. she supports me with all of my endeavors in life at kahit kaloka xa minsan, love ko xa.

sino si RR? si RR ang engot ko'ng cousin (paternal side). siya ang guide ko the whole morning na bigla ba naman akong iniwan sa kalagitnaan ng colon. joke lang. hehe. nagpaiwan lang talaga ako sa kanya kasi gusto ko rin mag explore mag-isa dun at gusto ko masanay na naglalakad na mag-isa sa napaka-busy na colon. so yun.

ano ang LEAD career movers? isa xa'ng recruitment agency na hindi ko alam na recruitment agency pala xa until sa briefing ko dun. hahaha. xD located xa sa capitol area, likod ng BO's coffee na nasa kabilang side ng capitol road or something facing Cebu Doctors.

sino si Ms.Irene? xa yung nag interview sa akin dun. OA xa magsalita, swear. feel na feel nya na amerikana xa and infairness, id rather say she is malaysian or indonesian or something kaysa sa amerikana. ew! kadiri xa. pero infairness din naman, xe is approachable. hindi maxadong friendly and pagmumukha nya pero keri narin. hehehe. :)

ano ang sykes? obviously, call center xa. wala akong pwede ma applyan as of the moment kasi hindi ako degree holder. kaloka! medyo malayo xa from capitol area. you have to make 2 rides from capitol. first, take a jeep to colon or Sto.Nino church. next, look for an 03A jeep from there and then yun! papunta ka na sa site nila na may Mcdo, BO's coffee at katabi ng building ay may off-roads cafe at jollibee. waah! a couple of reasons for me na ayusin ang interview ko this friday para makuha ko ang job. waah!

ano at saan ang SOUTH BUS TERMINAL? obviously, self-explanatory kung ano xa. south-bound bus terminal xa. i dont know exactly where xa located basta, from where i stayed (Bulacao, Cebu) mga roughly about 20 minutes ang byahe papunta dun (inclusive of traffic at sangkatutak na badjao na nangangaroling at mga nagtitinda ng tubig sa kalagitnaa ng gyera sa highway). dun sa terminal, hindi lang Ceres ang meron. meron din SUNRAYS bus liner at ibang mga bus liners na hindi familiar sa akin kaya yun. hahaha. xD inside the terminal, merong maraming waiting area that i call "pods". you can find a lot of pasalubong stalls inside too. one of which is Mr.Donut of which i mentioned in my previous post too. what else to say tungkol sa terminal? wala! so may i move on to the next item.

ano ang SEAT NO.45? well, upuan xa infairness naman noh. kailangan pa ba e-elaborate yan? well, malapit xa sa 2nd door ng bus. sa likod xa obviously basing on the number 45. 2nd to the last row xa nga mga upuan sa Ceres on the 3-seater side ng bus (and that is on the left side). mega upo lang ako dun ng maaliwalas kasi walang masyadong pasahero and walang tumabi sa akin dun except sa isang bakla na sumakay sa BARILI stop-over na may SHAMROCK branch.

saan ang BARILI? its roughly around 2 hours away from the SOUTH BUS TERMINAL. technically, half-way ng byahe. mega stop ang mga buses jan to rest, mag-banyo o bumili ng mga pasalubong sa *SHAMROCK.

saan ang BATO? approximately 4 hours (if not, more or less than 4 hours pero d naman aabot ng 5 hours. OA na yun) away from the SOUTH BUS TERMINAL. nanjan ang sangkatutak ng barge papuntang Negros Island na kumakarga ng mga Ceres bus at iba pang vehicles and its much cheaper (kung meron kang sariling sasakyan) kung mag land trip *road trip! haha!*. P70 lang ang pamasahe sa barge compared sa barko na P300. mas makaka save ka talaga. proven and tested. meron namang mas cheaper eh. kung sa *lilo-an ka sasakay (before ka aabot ng BATO, more or less 1 hour away) pero at that time na bumyahe ako, wala nang byahe sa lilo-an kasi hanggang 5pm lang sila dun kaya may i go sa BATO nalang. besides, its much faster here kasi around 45 minutes lang nasa negros ka na compared sa mag barko ka, aabutin ka ng 6 hours. kaloka kaya yun? ok go, nahilo ako sa kaka-explain. next item please...

saan ang TAMPI, Negros? obviously, sa Negros Oriental xa. it comes after Amlan (north to south byahe) and comes right after San Jose (south to north byahe). may pier dito papuntang Cebu which is more accessible by travelers that are going NORTH at yung mga merong sasakyan. kaya yun. enough na. pareho lang sila ng BATO, CEBU. *sigh!*

saan ang home, sweet home? syempre, sa bahay ko! bwahahahahahhaa. xD

*for questions or anything else for that matter, please leave some comments if you ever happen to pass by my blog. thanks. -management.

*SHAMROCK. bilihan ng pasalubong/delicacies in Cebu. pinakasikat xa, like BONG-BONG's of Bacolod. pinaka mabentang pasalubong nila are the OTAP, ROSQUILLOS at BARQUILLOS.

*LILO-AN. pier din xa. kaso, bangka ang sasakyan mo dun papunta ng Sibulan, Negros Oriental. Sibulan comes after Dumaguete City, mga approx. 15 minutes lang.

would you believe that on monday night, i was sitting in front of the computer when all of a sudden my sister barged in said to me: "you are going to cebu now and go to that interview of yours tomorrow morning! go get your stuff. we're leaving in 20 minutes".

shocked, my reaction made me jump off my seat and shut down the pc (while standing), got my mp3 out of the USB hub and ran inside the house and packed up some clothes and left.

i left for Cebu at around 11pm and arrived there @ around 5:15am and then went to my interview at LEAD career movers over @ capitol area, cebu at around 9am with RR.

fortunately, my interview went well with Ms.Irene and she referred me to several companies and made an endorsement for me to be interviewed there. one was scheduled on the same day, the other was for today.

the first endorsement that i went was over @sykes. sad to say, when i got there the security was tight. even if i was only an applicant, they want my i.d. for verification purposes.

sad to say, talagang bonggang-bongga ang security sa sykes. as in, kaloka. so after that, i decided to go back home. there is nothing i can do. if i decide to let my sister send me my stuff over at LBC, baka matagalan pa and its not an assurance na makukuha ko ang mga stuff ko before my interview so kaya mega uwi nalang ako ng Negros.

and on this juncture, dito na makakarelate and title ng post.

by 4:30pm im at the SOUTH BUS TERMINAL na. nakakaloka man isipin pero that was my first time there. una, you have to get a ticket or something from a man na nakabantay sa mala-LRT entrance na iikot lang pag naghulog ka ng P5 sa slot. next, you have to get a seat number over at the ticket station sa CERES liner. but, before ka aabot dun, dadaan ka pa sa sangkatutak na terminal pods for designated for other bus liners. nakakaloka. sobrang daming gwapo at sangkatutak naman ang pwersa ni chaka doll.

pero kevs ko! may i continue nalang sa paglalakad papunta sa terminal pod ng ceres and may i wait for a few minutes (kasi that time, ang ceres is already preparing to leave so i only waited sa terminal pod for about 10 minutes or so lang). before ako naka-abot sa terminal pod ng ceres, napahinto ako ng isang bonggang-bongga na stall ng mister donut.

hindi ako matakaw sa donuts or whatever. pero ano ba ang naka-akit sa aking mga mata?

kasi, dun sa mister donut, may sangkatutak sila na display ng hot choco on cups na bibilhin mo @ P18 with the option na lagyan ng mainit na tubig on the spot or bitbitin mo nalang ang cup at bayaran mo tapos umalis ka sa harap ng masungit na tindera. well, ever na ungas ako, i chose to have it filled with hot water na. 'san naman ako kukuha ng hot water kung nasa byahe na ako? duh!

so yun, may i go sa terminal pod and wait. d rin nagtagal, umalis ang bus with me seating at seat no.45! my favorite seat pag nakasakay ako sa ceres.

medyo may kamahalan ang pamasahe. lumalagapak na P177 lang naman noh. *sigh*

ayun, mega byahe na ang lolo nyo. ang nakakabilib na part lang ng byahe ko'ng yun ay pwede lang pala mag smoke inside sa bus. so, hindi inantok ang lolo nyo at mega seated like nasa bahay lang ako dun kasi hindi puno ang bus.

BATO via BARILI.

pinaka stressful trip ever na tinahak ko in my entire life. 4 hours akong naka upo sa bus! i repeat, 4 hours! sobrang sakit ng pwetan ko at may i go with the flow sa bus kung liliko xa from the left to the right then back to the front kung mag brake at umabante. kaloka!

medyo nahilo ako ng konti pero wis epek toh sa akin kasi excited ako na nag take ng trip na yun kasi it was my first time going to barili and honestly, it was road trip galore.

ayun, by 10pm i left Bato, Cebu bound for Tampi, Negros.

nakakaloka kasi i was seated next to an army guy and *shyet!* he was hot. nawindang ang lolo nyo at sa kasamaang palad, hindi kinaya ang powers ni antok at biglang tumulo ang laway ko. the next thing i knew, kami nalang ng katabi ko'ng Mr.Army ang naiwan sa taas ng deck kasi nagsialisan na lahat ng mga tao. so, may i pahid my laway and may i go down the hill to fetch a pail of water.

by 11pm, home sweet home.

im going back to Cebu this friday for the rescheduled interview. wish me luck guys.hoping to get all the support and prayers from you. make me get the job.

CURRENT MOOD: tired.

want to drink coffee and just relax and just wait for myself to doze off. i never really got the chance to pamper myself and give myself the things that i deserve. well, its gonna change soon because the wheel of fate is in constant motion.

one day your at the bottom, the next day you are at the top. believe it!

"i tried to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly, its hard to say that id rather stay awake when im asleep..."

its a line from one of owl city's song titled fireflies.

NP: STRAWBERRY AVALANCHE by OWL CITY (you can also listen to it while you are in my profile)

CURRENT MOOD: HOPEFUL

gosh...there are so many things that keep bothering me and it seems that i cant make the slightest decision towards those things. its as if i were given a choice but actually there are no options to choose from.

its really hard to keep up with the world. you dont know what it demands you yet there are things that tells you what to do but then again, when you think it over and ask yourself, are you ready for that challenge?

well, to answer my own question, YEAH! I AM!. there is nothing that could stop me now and nothing is gonna make me. ungh.

ive noticed that i have been inconsistent with my posts lately and most of them are going way out of hand. *ouch!*

im being way too personal. i shouldnt say these things but there's nothing that comes out of my brain except me being sober and being revengeful and all that. help!

everyone is in a rush buying notebooks, pens and all sorts of stuff and are way too excited about going to school. me on the other hand...well, no comment. hahahahaha. xD how dumb is that? //_+)

if you want someting, you have to sweat it out and earn it.

WARNING: the contents of this post may not be related to the title.

just in case you might wonder, i havent been thinking straight for the past few weeks. clearly, im outta my league. i just want to share to you guys something that i have learned when i watched a classic movie that made it big in the past year.

recently, i watched TITANIC. man, i was crying like a baby. back then, i never payed attention to what the characters in the movie say. back then, i was way too young and what caught my attention was that the boat was sinking and then it split in half and many people died. then, i cried because many people had to die and most of them are children. so young, they had today when they have all the chances in life to succeed and be able to live their dreams, if only everything went well. but sad to say, GOD had to take them back for a reason no one can ever tell me.

anyway, going back...now, i have cried (again) watching the movie because of what the characters said in the movie. now, i have realized that they teach me something that i should've realized the first time i saw the movie but then again, i never really paid attention to them so pardon me if you may.

well, come to think of it, there werent really much quotes that moved me. in fact, some of them are just the words that came out of their mouths in their normal conversation. though i havent seen the movie from the start this time, the scene that i was able to catch was when JACK did a painting of ROSE butt-naked with only "THE HEART OF THE OCEAN" on her. (REFRESH: the heart of the ocean is the heart shaped sapphire necklace given to rose by her fiance, whom of which i forgot the name)

somewhere later, when everybody went looking for rose, her fiance opened the vault and there saw the drawing of rose and a note that she left that said...

now you can keep us both locked in your safe

or something like that. i never really got the meaning of it until it dawned on me that the reason why rose ended up in jack's arms is that, she never really loved that guy. she was just forced to be with him for the reason that he was the one that her mother wants her to marry and that he was also rich.

going out of the topic slightly, rose's family was one of the richest people back in their time. they despise poor people for being poor and that they never mingled with them for the fact that they are poor. for them, they were peasants and dirty and rugged and they never lived a decent life, just like them. but for rose, it was different.

jack changed her entirely and made her realize that everything is equal. in the eyes of GOD there are no rich nor poor people and for that, things should'nt be treated like how the rich people should treat them.

though i made it sound so complicated, but that's one of the things that i have realized while watching the movie.

in everything we say or do, being biased should not be our attitude towards things. we should be fair and equal. sure, money can buy you things that you have never imagined, but money cant buy you real happiness nor love. there are things that are far more valuable and far more important than money or fame can ever give you.

what am i trying to say here? nothing that no one knows. everyone knows that we should all have this kind of attitude but what do we do? we tend to be blind towards these things and that we let our pride consume and then what happens? everything crumbles into pieces and we are all left with no option than to be helpless.

we shouldnt be this way. never...

i cant seem to live on with my life

with all these drama in sight

id rather be run over by a bus and crack my head

than hear whatever she said.

honestly, when starts to open her mouth

everything is going down south!

CURRENT MOOD: tired...bummed...confused?

THEME SONG: party in the USA by Miley Cyrus

i dont really know what to do. im still confused as hell. i have tried so many things in my head but none of them seems effective enough to satisfy me. what's worst is that, people are trying to tell me what to do with my life and that, in my opinion, is BULLSHIT.

who would ever want to be dictated to? who wants to follow orders that are not even doable?(except those who are working their asses out, big time, trying to make the most out of what they can do earning deserving pennies, cents, nickels and dime for all i care)

c'mon. cant you just please let me be for once? seriously, i am really getting tired of being here in this sick place where the only thing that people do for a living is that they diss each other off and they spread rumors of all sorts of stuff and that just aint cool.

and again, i am tired of making posts that are way too emotional. for the first time since i started posting emotional entries, i have decided to talk about something.

ever noticed those advertisements posted all over facebook? ever noticed those prediction stuff, astrology, numerology, whatever "-gy" word you can think of? well, i tried one just a couple of minutes ago and its something to do with cards. i forgot what they call that kind of "-gy" word but it says something about the roles of playing cards in your life. everyday (or so i think it is...im not really sure) they give you a set of five cards. each card represent something in your life for the next couple of days, weeks, months...even years and the card that came out on my set today disappoints me in one way or another.

i have a 5 of clubs. it says something good shit but i totally forgot about. dang. how can i continue this post if i forgot about what it said? hmpf...never mind. il just have to explain this one out before i would lose my thoughts.

anyways, i think it said something about having a good life ahead of me. im not really sure when exactly is it though. it doesnt really mean too that i will be the richest person on the face of the planet. it just said it that way or something that the 5 of clubs will do me good.

do me good...that sounds really interesting. but what disappoints me is that, so far, it has not been good for me. life has been like hell for me for the past few weeks and i have this feeling that it will continue on until next year, of which i am hoping will not happen because for all i know, i need every single ounce of luck and prayers in the world for all i care.

on the other hand, if the 5 of clubs will do me good, how come it never stopped my parents to decide that they will not send me to school this coming semester? fucked up as it sounds, but yeah. i am again ditching another whole semester because i did something that wasnt pleasing to their eyes. there is nothing i can do about it so i would have to skip that part of the story. what i have to say about that is that of what is mentioned at the beginning of the paragraph.

ungh...i just cant help it. i tried not to make a damn emotional post but look what ive got? sick!! i am sick and forever will be.

PS. my post dont make any sense...does it?

what can one more sermon make when ive heard everything you have to say about me and more?

what good does it make me if, time and time again, i have been you slave and nothing more?

how can i make changes on my own when you cant change the way you have been treating me? treating me like some dog on a loose, a dog who has no owner but has home to stay in?

what will i do for you to change the way that you treat me?

the things that you have done to me has caused me a lot of pain and not even once did i ever complain about and tell you to stop.

ever since i have made my most complicated mistake ever, i have been trying all my best to keep up with all of you and try to do everything to repay you back, even if its not the thing that you expected from me.

i am just so tired. will you give me a break? will you ever let me out of your sight and give me my life back?

if yes, when? how?

i am so confused. i have never felt so insane in my entire life and i am just so sick of it. please....STOP IT!

how i wish all the things that people say about me are true...then i would'nt have to feel so shitty about it. and how i wish everything is as easy as putting food in the microwave oven so that every time i get pissed off with people, i will pop them right into the microwave oven.

Fun to be with. (check)

Secretive. (wanna find out?)

Difficult to fathom and to be understood. (true ba mga friends?)

Quiet unless excited or tensed. (i think so too)

Takes pride in oneself. (ehem!)

has reputation. (eh?)

easily consoled. (mao ba?)

Honest. (daw?)

Cerned about people's feelings. (ooh...nice one! hahahaha. xD)

Tactful. (id rather say tactless...)

Friendly. (kaayo! ahahahaahah. xD)

Approachable. (tinuod bya ni dba?)

Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. (uhuh...uhuh!)

Moody and easily hurt. (weh?)

Witty and sparkly. (go toros! go! hahahaha. xD)

Not revengeful. (chroo!)

Forgiving but never forgets. (i would have to agree with this one...)

Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. (can you say "aling diony"?)

Guides others physically and mentally. (galibog jud ko ani ay...)

Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. (hmpf...i dont know what to say)

Caring and loving. (thank you! bow!)

Treats others equally. (hmpf...what do you say?)

Strong sense of sympathy. (yes?)

Wary and sharp. (hmpf...i dont get this one too...i need a dictionary! fast!)

Judges people through observations. (correct! check hantod sa langit!)

Hardworking. (hmpf...i dont really know!)

No difficulties in studying. (you think? im way too lazy...unsa nalang kaha!)

drifting like a ghost...my mind is offset from the things that i deem important. i am losing my sanity and i need help. i mean help from someone who knows what to with this kind of situation...im not referring to a doctor or some psychological expert...i need someone's caressing words, someone's warmth and everything that goes in between. someone...someone...who i dont know for sure if he/she exists. please...help me!

there are a lot of things that keep bugging me right now and i dont know what to do...//_-)

you got the best of me but i just keep on coming back incessantly. oh why did you have to play your game on me? i should've known right from the start you'd come and break my heart! //_-)

isang malaking IM SO SORRY! nagtatagalog ako ngayon sa dahilan na ako ay busy sa pag-gawa ng aking talumpati. bilang pagbibigay pugay sa aking sarili, nasa baba ng post na 'to ang aking talumpati. bow!

Buong buhay ko, sila ang nag-alaga sa akin at gumabay habang ako ay tumanda. Mula pagkabata, sila ang nagturo sa aking ng mga mahalagang asal na hindi itinuturo sa loob ng apat na pader ng isang pamantasan. Ang aming tahanan ang nagging una ko’ng paaralan at sila ang mga naging una ko’ng mga guro.

Sila ang bumangon sa akin ng ako’y madapa at ngapahid ng aking mga luha. Sila ang naging una kong barkada at kaagapay ko sa hirap at ginhawa. Baka nagatataka kayo kung sino ang tinutukoy ko.

Magandang umaga mahal ko’ng guro Gng. Lourdes Ramirez at sa aking mga tagapakinig, aking mga kaklase, magandang umaga rin sa inyo. Ang paksa ko para sa umagang ito ay tungkol sa mga saloobin at mga karanasan ko sa aking pamilya.

Hindi biro ang mapabilang sa isang pamilya kung saan bawat kasapi ay may kanya-kanyang paniniwala at prinsipyo sa buhay. Bawat araw na dumadaan sa imong buhay, samu’t saring aral ang akin natututuna. Sa nagdaang dalawmpu’t isang taon, marami akong mga nagawang kasalanan at ikinagalit ng aking pamilya.

Pero, nasaan ako ngayon? Nasa piling pa rin ako ng aking pamilya. Bilang pagbibigay pugay sa kanila, ang mga sumusunod ko’ng ibabahagi sa inyo ay ang mga katangian na hinahangaan ko sa kanila sa paraan na hindi lamang nila ako tinuruan maging kung ano man ako ngayon, pati na rin kung paano maging mabuti sa aking kapwa.

Una, nagpapasalamat ako sa poo’ng may kapal dahil binigyan niya ako ng isang huwarang ama. Ang aking ama ay isang taong mapagkumbaba, maawain, matulungin at hindi makasarili. Lampas man sa langit ang galit niya sa akin, pinatawad pa rin niya ako at kinalimutan ang lahat ng nagawa ko sapagkat mahal niya ako at ako ay pamilya.

Sinabi pa niya sa akin na sa aming magkakapatid, ako raw ang pinaka-paborito niya kaya’t ano man ang gawin ko, baliwala sa kanya ang lahat. Basta nakikita niya lang ako araw-araw na masaya, masaya na rin siya.

Nakakatawa man pakinggan pero hinahangaan ko ang aking ina na may M-16 rifle na bunganga. Araw-araw, putak ng putak ng walang preno. Kung makapagsalita ay parang wala ng bukas kung tutuusin. Pero, ano ba talaga ang dahilan kung bakit ko siya hinahangaan? Sapagkat, bawat araw na putak siya ng putak, ni minsan ay nagakamali siyan sa kanyang mga sinabi. Bawat pangangaral, bawat sermon, lahat ay tama. Wala siyang pagkukulang sa mga payo at tila hindi rin siya nauubusan nito kaya, yun and dahilan kung bakit hinahangaan ko siya.

Sa mga kapatid ko, kahit pa minsan-minsan ay brutal nila akong sinasaktan, ganun pa man ay tinatanggap ko ang lahat ng mga pasakit nila sa akin sapagkat, para sa akin, ang mga pananakit nila sa akin ay isang paraan para matutunan ko ang kahalagahan ng buhay at para hindi ko sasayangin ito. Ang mga pananakit na ito ay hindi dahil sa minamaliit nila ang kakayahan ko at ang aking pagkatao. Pa minsan-minsan raw ay kailangan gumamit ng dahas para matuto. Kung sa bagay, matigas nga naman ang ulo ko kaya nararapat lang sa akin na gamitan ng dahas dahil kung hindi, wala akong matututunan.

Lahat nga mga hinanakit sa aking pamilya ay itinatago ko sa aking sarili. Hindi ito dahil sa poot na aking nararamdaman, kundi ito ang pinagkukunan ko ng lakas at determinayon na magabago ako. Iniisip ko sa sarili ko na, baling araw, ipapakita ko rin sa inyo na may natutunan ako sa inyo at pinagsisihan ko ang lahat ng mga kasalanan ko at handa akong magpawis ng dugo sa pagsisikap kung yun man ang ikaliligaya nila.

Sa pagbabalik ko sa pag-aaral, ginagawa ko ang lahat para mapasaya ang aking pamilya. Sa pag-uwi ko gabi-gabi, kahit gaano man ako kapagod at kaantok, pagsisibilhan ko pa rin ang aking pamilya sa pamamgitan ng pagsunod sa bawat utos nila.

Kahit sa mga konting bagay na ito, alam ko na napapasaya ko sila. Sa paraang ito, napapanatili ko ang samahan naming sa pamilya. Dahil ditto, pinapatatag ko ang aming samahan na kung tutuusin ay hindi matanto sapagkat malaki ang agwat ko sa edad nila at minsan ay nahihirapan akong makisabay sa kanila. Minsan nga ay tinatanong ko nalang sila kung ano ang gusto nila para alam ko kung ano ang dapat kong gawin para lang mapasaya ko sila.

Sa kabila ng lahat, mahal ko pa rin ang aking pamilya. Tawagin niyo man akong isang taong sunod sa utos o sunudsunuran pero yun lamang ang tanging paraan na alam ko na masuklian ang lahat ng kanilang ginawa para sa akin.

Alam ko, sa pagdating ng panahon na ako ay lilisan sa kanilang piling, kung ano man ang mangyari sa akin sa kapangyarihan ng may kapal, sila lang ang mga tanging tao na alam ko na sa kabila ng lahat, ay tatanggapin pa rin nila ako sa kanilang piling ng walang bahid ng poot, pagsisisi at pag-aalinlangan dahil sila ay ang aking pamilya.

Maraming Salamat at sa makahuli, Magandang Umaga.

lately, my mind has been so out of tune. i cant think right, i am always laughing at jokes that doesnt make sense, i walk as if i dont know where to go, i do things which i am not capable of doing and all sorts of stuff that makes me think of nothing but suicide. im so dull as of the moment and i need a reboot in my system! help! //_-)

i dont know if that text message i got this morning was a bunch of bull, but it says something about the koreans. the message stated something about a korean blogger (who was not named) who said "have you heard the news? the monkey island philippines is flooded. i hope the rain never stop to drown those monkeys!" and they went laughing.

another source (they said it was on twitter) stated that "they will all die because monkeys cant swim!" and then they laughed again.

now, what am i trying to say here? well, yesterday KIM BUM guested over at entertainment live with an interpreter along by his side. KIM BUM is in the country to shoot a PEPSI ad with our very own talent MS. MAJA SALVADOR. he arrived last week i think and ever since he arrived, he did nothing but work and did several guestings to some entertainment shows. on his statement yesterday at entertainment live, he said he feels sorry to those victims of the typhoon ondoy and the super typhoon pepeng. he even extended his help by donating something, of which i dont really know. but the question is...do you believe that these KOREANS really call us monkeys? well, i do!

as far as i know, koreans are one of the racist people in the face of the planet. not only they despise people because of their races, they tend to have this superiority attitude over people that they think who are not deserving enough to live on earth, and unfortunately, for them we are one of these people. philippines is not only reported as one of the poorest countries in the world, but also, philippines ranks NO.1 in the most corrupt country in the world.

now, we filipinos idolize these koreans so much that we come to a point that we forget who we are and what we are to some people. most of the time, we tend to be ignorant about them when in fact, we are all the same. we are humans! the only thing that differs them from us is that they are celebrities and we are normal people. why cant we just treat them like we treat other people? its not that they need special attention from us, unless you would consider them retartds, puttin aside the fact that they are retarded-looking, then we have all the right to treat them so.

we have this certain attitude that i dont know how to call that kind of attitude that, when it comes to celebrities, we tend to do everything we can just to praise them. from buying notebooks, to pens, to poster and magazines, following their websites and personal blogs (if ever they have the intelligence to make one) and buying all sorts of memorabilias of them but when it comes to helping our own country when it is in deep shit, what do we do? we ignore! NINGAS COGON...is it an appropriate term? im not even sure. right now, our country needs our help and some of us just dont seem to care about it.

its disappointing to know that this is really happening. i mean, c'mon people...cant we do better than this? these koreans, they come here to our country to learn english and they should stay that way. they shouldnt be treating us like some lowly peasants that they can just push around. remind them that they are in our territory and they should watch their words and actions. they cant just come here and act as if this place is their last resort because all over the world, we offer the best education at the lowest rate possible. and its not a sign of desperation and a sign of extreme poverty. it only shows that we filipinos can do anything despite all the trials that we are undergoing at our present stature in life. we are hardworking, determined and we are truly dedicated to whatever profession or career that we choose. we are not just "MONKEYS WHO CANT SWIM!" we are as intelligent as anyone from across the globe and we are not just some pushovers. we are not weak. in fact, we are the most strong-willed people there is.

these koreans, they dont deserve our hospitalty! they dont deserve anything from us at all. i know that not all of the koreans have this attitude but i cant help it. i am sick and tired of these jerks who act like they own us. they act as if we are their slaves and its just pure bull!

the only thing that i can say back to these koreans is...KUNG UNGGOY KAMI, ANO KAYO? ALBINO MONKEYS? NEK-NEK NYO! MGA RETARDED, EPILEPTIC SNAKES! S*** NYO! KADIRI NYO. BAHO PA NANG HININGA NYO, ANG BAHO PA NG MGA UGALI NYO! UMUWI KAYO SA BANSA NYO AT KUMAIN NG KIMCHI BUONG ARAW !

id rather hold a glass filled with beer than hold a pen when i dont know what to write...id rather get drunk than get a headache from thinking of all the things to do in school...id rather light up a cigarette than light up my room, staying up late completing projects, writing down essays and working my brain out as if there is no tomorrow.

id rather be with people who think nothing but having a good time, taking each moment in, letting it pass and wait for whatever comes next, talking out loud, never minding what people have to say about them, doing what they like to do with no one standing in their way. id rather walk than take a bus. i would feel much better if pain motivates me to move forward than to sit around a bus, waiting for the time that i would be where i would supposed to be.

id rather sit on the damp grass, feeling the coldness of the night, the stenchy smell of mud beneath my back, staring at the stars, wishing that someday a star would fall upon my hand and grant me three wishes like a genie would, making the most out of it. how i wish my life was a fairy tale, then i would not think of how my life would end because i know it would be a happy ending.

id rather be stuck somewhere with the birds and the bees and the bugs and the trees than following a certain path alone. id rather be accompanied by a lonely, harmless dragon than to ride with a prince in a shining armor. that way, people would'nt make so much of a comment about me. they make me sick and they just add up to my everyday list of things to eliminate in this messed up world.

id rather play a villain than to play a princess in an opera. id rather be Figaro than be Pinocchio so that my actions would better tell the world how i feel about it than to speak out loud but never heard. id rather...id rather...id rather get drunk! lets go for some shots! //_-)

you can never really tell what's the difference between reality and fantasy. in one minute, you are so overwhelmed of the fact that all the things that somewhat makes you jubilant are just a 'tap-on-the-back' away but then again, when you blink your tiny little eyes, everything seems to fall down to pieces and there you are, staring at a stranger across the street, wondering if everything was just a dream or were they just pure games of your emotions...toying with your weakness, using it against you thus, making you so damn fragile and you breaks you down into pieces.

the world is so messed up, you just dont know what to do...if the world is messed up, would you be messed up too?

shallow-minded, uncivilized, pathetic losers! i hate them for being them and they just suck!

sometimes, the most imperfect person can make the most perfect realization of an idea that is deemed impossible.

God show me the way coz the devil is trying to shut me down, the only thing that i am praying is that my feet wont fail me now!

do these words really apply to every adult individual? from the way i see things, i dont think it does.

i have observed several kids lately and ive seen something that is something worth learning from. three kids, who are sisters by the way, have lost their grandmother just a couple of weeks ago. and from what i have observed, the eldest has changed since her grandmother died. i dont exactly what triggered her to change--is it the death of her grandmother? or is it just because she is now entering the puberty stage?

frankly, i was shocked by the sudden change. since then, she has been taking care of her two other sisters and her little brother who didnt even get the chance to take care of his grandmother. (may she rest in peace). her two sister have been so discreet about the loss of their grandmother. after the burial, those kids lived their lives as if nothing happened. every day, they still play and laugh out loud while their older sister is always serious about stuff. taking care of household chores, everything that an adult is doing. but is it appropriate?

its not all the time that a kid recovers from a certain agenda in his/her life. most of the time, kids get traumatized (correct my spelling if im wrong) and they tend to change their behavior, even their personality. but is it really appropriate? i dont think so...kids are kids. let them be. if you are a parent who is concerned enough about your kid who is becoming a monster, try and do something to make it stop. a kid who is so serious in life at an early age grows up into the type of person that is most likely to get tantrums all the time, ends up being in a broken family when she gets settled later, a loner, a pessimist...in short, a REBEL.

i myself, in one way or another, is simillar to what i have described above. after being inflicted upon by so much pain in the past 21 years of my life, i have grown into something far more than my parents have expected me to become. even i cant believe that i have become like this. its not how i intended it to be but there is nothing i can do. i am stuck on becoming like this and i have to live it that way.

but there is this positive thing that keeps on buzzing at the back of my head...THINK POSITIVE. no matter how tough it gets, just be positive in life. learn to turn those negative vibes into something positive. not everything is in progression to negativity. in every agenda that happens in your life, there are always two sides of the story. its a balance between the good and the bad and it is your task whether you let the positive side or the negative side reign over you. DONT LET IT HAPPEN.

as what the ghost rider would say...I WILL TAKE THIS CURSE AND USE IT AGAINST YOU. and as what CARTER SLADE said, THERE ARE ONLY A FEW PEOPLE WHO SELL THEIR SOULS TO THE DEVIL AND HAVE THE GUTS TO CHANGE THE WORLD.

yeah, it goes something like that...but dont matter. what i am trying to point out is that, its not entirely bad to connect with your inner child-like behavior. most of the time people mistake you child-like behavior from losing your sanity and its not good. sometimes, you have to connect with your inner child for you to perform better. besides, being too serious wont get you nowhere. you have to charm people by bringing out your true self...trust me, its a fool-proof remedy to everthing.

i have never, in my entire life felt so damn furious about people talking behind my back...or maybe not really behind my back but i hate it when people talk about me. what am i? some kanye west guy who humiliated a taylor swift in front of millions of people during an awards night? heck no.

i am just me...and the thing that bothers me most is that, will you ever leave me alone and let me live my life? i am so tired of being your pet, your toy, everything that you wanted to be but you cant be! ungh! i just want to scream at the top of my lungs but i just cant!

i am bound to do whatever you want me to do because i deserve it but when will it all end? i am not surprised why i am still alive right now. you want me to suffer and that is all you want me to be...a suffering idiot who can never be himself and will always be a push-over to everyone around me.

ungh! it sickens me and i just want to be free!

why do you blame me for a lot of things that i did not do? why? why? and why do you keep on insisting that i did certain stuffs which are not true? why do you know better than i am when in fact, im living my life...its not you who is living out the dreams of an ambitious, self-proclaimed celebrity who is always locked up in a tower where you know no one can see nor hear! ungh! i hate it! i hate it! i hate it!

never in my entire life have i felt so rejected by the people who raised me since i was a kid, underwent puberty for all i care and now...being an adult. i know i have committed mistakes and i have to say that i am ever so humiliated by what i have done.

i would honestly have to admit that i am a sinner...a criminal, a lunatic. i have never felt so much pain in my entire life that i came to a point wherein i thought of committing suicide. but thinking things over, its not the solution to all of this. i know i must have to face these problems head on and with my head up high (even though i am as humiliated as i ever felt in my entire life) because i know by the end of the day or if not, maybe in the next couple of days or who knows when, everything will turn out just the way that its supposed to be.

in connection, i would like to take this opportunity to thank GOD for several reasons.

1. i would like to thank him for giving me a brother who does'nt give a s***! i dont have to explain things to him and that i dont have to repeat everything that i have said (if i ever did say something) because frankly speaking, its tiresome to repeat everything and sickens me;

2. i would like thank him for giving me a wonderful father. he is ever so considerate of my actions. he is kind, noble and most of all understanding. though he ignores the things that i have done and still talks to me normally like nothing happened, i am so humiliated by what i have done and what he is doing to me now. its like this...i cant look at him straight, i cant talk to him as loud like i usually do, and i cant afford being near him. i do come near him for the reason that i have to take care of him and even so, i feel so terrible about myself that i just want to scream but i cant. well, GOD, thank you for that;

3. even though my mom has an M-16 rifle for a mouth, still, i thank you for giving me her. she wakes me to my senses (most of the time to the deafening point and the most stressful thing that i can ever manage) and she is disgusted by me every time she sees me. i cant blame her for that. i have done things way beyond what they have expected (nor i have expected) and its just what i deserve. a total pain in the ass sermons every single day until they get tired of doing it;

4. thank you for giving me a sister who is just like my father. considerate, kind and understanding. among my siblings, she is the only one that i get along with. even though we dont seem to connect most of the time, still, i think she appreciates me for whoever and whatever i am. that is the most nicest thing that i have ever known or felt for that matter. i cant tell you how much i hate her at times but trust me, the hate that i feel towards her wouldnt even last an hour (and that is the longest time to date). i dont know. there's just this connection between us that i cant seem to explain but i can feel that is present;

5. thank you for giving me a brother who has grown tired of beating me up like s***! i have done so many things that he just grew tired of beating me up but instead, spreads all the things that i do to his friends and on the latter part, spreads it to the entire community and i become the center of the gossip by people. great isnt it? but i dont care...as much as he has changed, i am happy that he did;

6. thank you for giving me a brother who despises me as his brother. he hates me bone per bone and i cant be more than happy that he does hate me. further, i dont even care about him. i dont even want to continue writing stuff about him because it would be utterly irrelevant to my life, the way that i am irrelevant to his. i dont want to curse him or whatever, its just that...I DONT CARE!

well, i have been editing this post for several times already and i dont know if YOU (yes, YOU! the one reading this) get the whole point of this post. if i may, i might put a "P.S." at the end of the post saying...I AM BEING SARCASTIC.

its the first time that i played the game today and man was it whacked! hahaha. xD

i was the craziest player there is...i am the most loud (i think) and man, i was as sick as esther. waah! its not that im addicted to the game (which what will likely to happen in the future) but i want to explore the game first before i get too addicted to it.

that is why i am sitting infront of a pc now (again) because...i just want to.

Dear God, thank you for making online games and thank you for letting me meet people who can teach me how to play them. hehe.

i finally cracked the html code of my layout...i think im gonna stick with this layout for quite some time...i kinda love it and it rocks! viva la facebook! viva la blogger! hahahaha. xD

hmpf...what do i want to talk about?

oh yeah, yesterday, i watched the movie ORPHAN...alone! the movie was cool...nice plot and everything...wish it didnt have to turn out that way...that kid is sick...i am sick but damn i am not as sick as her...well, there is an exception though because she is mentally sick so there. hahaha. xD

dont want to stress that much about the movie coz right now, im still intrenalizing everything about it...kumbaga, im still preparing what to say about the movie like a critic. i am a movie critic, yeah! i would love it if people call me that. hahaha. xD so there...what else? wala? ok...bye!

PS.

this post is pure non-sense! as in!

as i have been so addicted to facebook nowadays, i have decided to use the facebook template i found in the btemplates website.

cool eh? hehe. anyways, there are still a lot of things that i need to tweek in that template. but if i get tired of tweeking it, damn...it stays just as i downloaded it. who cares anyway...? as long as i have changed my template, im cool with it.

viva la facebook! viva la blogger! hehe.

no matter how good you are...no matter how hard you try to please them...still...nobody gives a s***!

yesterday, people from my college were oh so ecstatic about our college day...leaving behind the significance of the date.

its been a year now since the dreaded accident which famously known as the date itself. the 9/11 attack at the two most majestic, and the tallest building ever to stand on the face of the earth, WTC (world trade center also known as the twin towers).

what im trying to stress out? well, nothing really...i just want to say that lets all pray for the poor souls who were claimed by death in such a short notice. may their souls rest in peace.

i think its not bad to laugh some times...takes away all your stress and leaves you this feeling of...GAY! :)

yeah...blame it on him and not on me. its not all the time that something goes missing, i know where it is. no, it does not got that way. the song doesnt play backwards, it play forward. if you dont know what i mean then il tell you what i what i want to say.

yeah, i have done those kind of stuff...like stealing and everything, but i already quit...a long time ago! if you haven't noticed, i have been watching my every move, every words that i utter...everything! i changed everything that i am to the person that you want me to be...and guess what? i succeeded!

now, the question is...why do you still blame me for everything? are the things that i do or did not enough for you to believe me that i did change? what do you really want me to do? honestly, i am really confused...my head is in total mess and i just cant think straight anymore...and i am blaming it all on YOU!

LEAVE ME ALONE! for good...dang it!

is where you can find the e-flens! ungh...i just dont know what to do as of the moment.

in my head, there is a battle going on whether i should be lax about things, enjoying life as it goes...or always think of the worst case scenario.

i dont really know...i need help. its what ive been asking for the last couple of weeks but it seems that i cant find someone who could help me.

dont get me wrong, my friends...they can help me, i know. but sometimes, friends just give you the total opposite of the advices or the help that you need from them. they somewhat contradict to whatever you have in mind and that's what makes it cool.

friends...they make you happy and they make you feel like shit too and that's what separates real friends from those who are fakes and i love it so much.

anyways, going back...it seems that tomorrow is eternal. how long must i wait for the aid that i have been seeking? how long must i torment myself and deprive "ME" from being happy? how long? how long? //_-)

you would never know how important it is until you lose it. tragic but true.

HAZARDOUS...they are the type of friends who are only for show. you are their friend if they need something from you but if they dont, you are a total stranger to them and that sucks. good luck to those who belong in this category for all i can say to you is...I DONT GIVE A DAMN.

NON-BIODEGRADABLE...those friends whom i can trust and whom i can count on, even though in ways that i dont expect them to be. they are the real friends, friends who are for keeps. you would know that they belong in this category because there is this certain bond, a feeling of security and a feeling that somewhat tells you that, whatever happens, happens...they are there whenever you need them and they can be trusted even wiht issues with the size of your underwear. nasty as it sounds, but its the truest thing that i can ever say about these people and i am ever so glad to tell them back that i would be there for them as they would be there for me. give and take is the trend of the season...and always will be...even at the highest tide.

BIODEGRADABLE...friends who are close but not the type of people that you can always count on...they maybe not the worst, nor the best, but still, these people do what they can to cheer you up and that is something that i can keep for as long as i want and for as long as they want...in life, there are certain people who act "AS THE ENTERTAINER WHEN THE ENTERTAINER NEEDS ONE..." if you have a hard time understanding that quote that i just made up, then its up for you to understand.

at any random moment, there are these total strangers that you meet. sometimes, rather, needed if necessary, you should have this gut feeling whether a person is a person not only for show, not because you can jive to their attitudes, not because they can treat you for lunch and give you the things that somehow makes you jubilant but, you should know how to test one's attitude whether he/she is a jedi or a sith. nasty isnt it? but there are people who hide behind mask and turn out to be the worst serial killer that walks on the face of the planet...believe it!

all this time, ive been feeling so good not knowing that in the next 48hrs id be in total s***!

why didnt i just resist? why didnt i just stayed away and let go of the past that has ruined my future? why, with all my efforts of trying to change, still, this kind of habit of mine is still with me? it has been a while since i havent done it but here i am now, regreting that i ever laid my eyes on that damn thing and did the thing again...ungh! it makes me want to commit of suicide...but i dont think its the right thing to do.

now, im feeling so damn stressed out...im panicking, i dont know what to do, i am being such a freakin' paranoid...every move i make, every move they make, it makes me think of something else...every word spoken, every thought that is thought, it makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs out of frustration...ungh! waah! i just want to disappear from the face of the earth but i cant.

i need help...i mean a lot of help...as a matter of fact, i need a miracle and i dont know who would make that miracle for me. please...help! im really lost right now! i mean...really! serious! for real! huhuhuhu...//_-)

im not even sure if the spelling is right, nor am i using the correct term, but there are questions that bothers me right now...is it wrong in being paranoid? or is it just a feeling of being secured in the negative way? will it hurt me? will it do me good? will i get something out of it?

and i love it so much...it means a lot of things to me though im only going to mention a few...

for one thing, it means there are no classes! hooray! it also mean that i dont have to catch my breath by going up the third floor of that damned CAS building. hahahaha. xD

another is, i have an excuse to ditch arabic class...honestly, i was ecstatic to study the language...not until the midterms came and passed by...man, it was so stressful memorizing things that you cant even remember what they mean and man...my brain is like floating in cloud 9. the things that i expected to learn from the subject are not being taught to us...bummer, you might say, but i cant do anything about it...my knowledge to language and to the culture is way too limited. dang. how is wish the lessons were way to comprehensive and that we learn more than the basic kindergarten lessons. hmpf.

and to name the last thing that i like doing when it rains...i get to drink a lot of coffee and smoking until my lungs hurt...hahaha. that's what i love doing best when it rains. dunno know why but it has been a part of my system since i started lighting up sticks in high school. hahaha. those were the days...and i badly miss those days.

ppbbtt...rain, rain, dont go away...david jhules dont want to go out and play. hahahaha. xD shine, rest ka muna ha. :)

but i still need to help to make the links button functionable...help? anyone?

i changed my layout. got bored of the old one. it still needs more tweeking and i dont know who to help me out. hope i can find one as soon as i can...or maybe not.

its a sunday...its kinda boring...i think il sleep later...or in a couple of minutes after lunch maybe...i just dont know. haha. good luck to me and my new layout. if you want to help, it will be gladly appreciated. hmpf. peace out. //_-)

is it me or am i just losing myself? i need you so much right now...please! give me a sign.

you've been gone for quite some time now. i never even knew that you left...all that ive observed is that, you are suddenly M.I.A.

how i wish i wont mumble like this. i mean, pretending that i am talking to you. all i wanted to do is be by your side, feeling your every breath, feeling your heart beating in your chest...taking the smell of your skin into my system, feeling the warmth of your body, feeling your skin rubbing against mine and then we'd drift into nothingness.

how i wish all of these things are possible but every time i think about these, my mind tells me that it is all just a part of a big illusion...a fantasy...something that wont ever happen and it just brings me down, makes my system crumble and i am left just thinking about it and without noticing it, my cold tears would be running down my warm cheeks.